Goals

no more weed.
no more excessive drinking.
no more excessive eating.
no more "i'm fat".
no more neediness.
no more expectations.

more dancing.
more loving.
more energy towards good things.
more realization & reality.
more reading.
more learning.
more preparing for the future.
more positive outlook.
more abundance.

"Soldier's Girl"

Wow. I just watched on of the saddest gay movies I've seen. Based on a true story about a soldier, Barry Winchell, who fell for a trans-gender drag star. Barry, a quiet but kindhearted individual, was harassed by two of his "fellow" soldiers, his "brothers", up to a point where he was beat to death by one. I'm a sucker for romances, especially in a situation so diverse, so beautiful.. one unique love that could do nothing but thrive without the interference of homophobics & "army conduct". Love is such a beautiful, special feeling.. how would someone have the nerve to ruin that for someone, murder someone, because of physical aspects of one's natural, exterior body? It's insane..

This movie makes me really sad, but glad to see that such real life issues are exposed, showing how hideous & wrong the two soldiers harassing Barry were. I know, especially in this day & age, this same situation occurs on a regular basis. This movie hits me deep because it hits "home".. on a much less severe level, of course. To not be accepted by your own "family" for whatever you choose to do, or feel you are, not having that support.. I know that if I have kids one day, I won't attempt to shape them. I will try my best to understand them. I will teach them facts & things they need to know & be told, but I would NEVER try & change who they feel they are. "Everyone is entitled to a private life", as the soldiers in the movie say. However, I would kill for my parents to try to understand me, to jump out of their boxed shells of what they call a life they "built", to see who their daughter is deep inside. Uncovered. Exposed. Underneath it all. I would kill for them to be a part of my life, to be close to me, connected.. but that will never be until they accept that I am my own free spirit & what "I am" is out of their control.


I AM. & You ARE. No one can shape another individual. We just ARE. & NOTHING can change that.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barry_Winchell

Barry,
Rest knowing you're story is so moving that it has more than potential to open the eyes of those who can't accept another's way of life & the energy to inspire the rest of the world to live freely.
Rest in Peace.

night owl's rant

Last night was St. Patty's.. meaning today, I woke up at 2pm. Went to yoga at 4, felt so good. It's 5:00 am & I just got back from a boonie. I think everyone is most creative at night. I wish I woke up in the afternoon & stayed up 'til sunrise, crashed in the morning, EVERYDAY. But that sleeping pattern fucks with your "melatonin".. fucks with your body. Some bs.


I've decided to throw out the extra. Clean slate. Feels good.
I've decided to archive my life.
I've decided to do exactly what I want.

It's almost spring time. YES! & summer, I feel so warm & alive.
I'm thinking I should sleep.


Yea.. GN<3

Ellen Von Unwerth

My new idol: Ellen Von Unwerth, photographer and director, specializing in erotic femininity.









She's amazing.

fresh air & progress

Since Tuesday night, I've considered myself moved out. I'm back figuring out how to pack all my THINGS: clothes. shoes. jewelry. scarves. belts. socks. memories. photos. posters. pillows. All of it.. So far I've thrown out four garbage bags full of clothes and shoes and extra things I don't usually wear. Hopefully I can sell some I set aside.. 

It feels really good to get rid of a bunch of shit. 'Cause that's exactly what it is.. shit. Useless, a waste of space. Less weight to carry around. When I'm finished here, I'll be so relieved. I'll finally get a move on. 

I'm excited for the future. Whatever there is to come, I'm more than ready.

Tonight, I took a break from my room & smoked a bowl, played pool with Seanna & Hilary at fast Eddie's. It was fun. And I had the best drink.. Orange Creme Soda. mm.
horoscope for a new day: You may be pressured to take more responsibility for your home, family or business now, yet meeting these new obligations can be quite stressful. There isn't much latitude for failure; others need you to stand up to the plate and be the successful leader that helps everyone out of the mess they seem to have created. Although your window of opportunity starts to close down today, there is still sufficient time to shift into high gear.

tomorrow: more packing, & get ready for my first speech Monday.. damn.

confessions.

I am a lover. I am a voyeur. I am entranced by a woman's body. I am unsteady. I am too open, too honest for most ears. Simplicity feels good. True affection feels good. Wine feels good. Artists, musicians, & passionate people make me feel good. I can be obsessive, I can be hard to handle if you come too close. I don't forgive. I cherish reality too much. Trust is so delicate.. easy to break, impossible to mend. I enjoy writing, but never give myself the time. I'm always in a rush, going nowhere. I think I need to slow down.. 

I find beauty in things you wouldn't take the time to notice. 

I feel like I can do so much, but I don't know how to start.

& I need to get this all out.. before I explode.