simply exotic

natural aphrodisiac: eating with your eyes closed.

don't forget to breathe

at this moment, everything feels perfect -- whatever that really is.

Crystal Ball

i think most people try to "protect" themselves by being self-centered & narcissistic, when really they're just creating a shell, locking everyone out & allowing no one but themselves inside. how is that living?

either way.. it's a glass seal that everyone, including you, can see right through. a clear barrier that reveals all, hides nothing, but blocks all interactions, creating a sphere surround you you perceive as "your world".

Thing is, we're all on the same boat. Everyone can see, feel, sense everything. You can't hide shit.

Debauchery

Debauchery: excessive indulgence in sensual pleasures; sensation from duty, allegiance, or virtue.

make sweet love.
hip thrust. pussy pop. titty bounce.
no regrets. hold nothing back.

let your guard down. let emotion flood your thoughts.
skin to skin, embrace this.

scribble scrabble let your body babble
let desire suck you in.

take and be taken.
shake and be shaken.

lust, love, love lust, lust love.

don't be afraid to try something new, unfamiliar.
try her out. try him out.
do everything you want, reality to fantasy.
& respect.

i am beauty, my body is beautiful.
let me fill you up, feel what this is like.

stuff me up & blow my mind.

You know what makes my day?

New bands. New music. Exercise. Hearing from friends I haven't talked to in a while. Invites. Offers. Compliments. Sunshine and hot days. Getting an early jumpstart in the morning. Learning something useful. Cutting my hair. Cleaning my room/car. Capturing a great photo. Writing or drawing something nice. Getting calls instead of texts. Enthusiasm. When my mom and dad talk to me as equals. When friends come over to my house. Being smiled at. Not needing anything. Learning new words. Being asked to do something I love. Getting ideas. Feeling thin, fit, and healthy. Waking up after a full nights sleep. Waking up refreshed.

Fantasy

A fantasy is something so mystical, so magical, so desired, yet.. so unreal? Something unreachable, only imaginable? But you have to ask yourself.. what IS real? Better asked, what is real to YOU? Everyone creates their own "reality". Fantasies can become YOUR reality if you believe it & make it happen. So fantasize away, create that magical world you've always dreamed of, & be prepared to live it.


(don't let your imagination go to waste.)

Candor

CANDOR: unstained purity; freedom from prejudice or malice; unreserved, honest, or sincere expression.


A Few Things To Work On:
1. Quit being shy//Be more verbally outgoing.
2. Be completely independent//completely responsible for my own well-being.
3. Set a career-path so I can live my life without making a huge stress over finances.
4. Keep my options open.
5. When I'm bored, read a book.
6. First thing in the morning, workout. Get a jump-start for the day so I won't slug around.
7. Respect my friends, & in turn they will respect me.
8. Dance freely.
9. Create an amazing portfolio of my favorite form of art: photography.
10. Believe in my family. Believe in my friends. Believe in myself.

10 Things I Like About Myself:
1. I smile with my eyes (my feelings/thoughts are written on my face).
2. I'm a good listener, great advice-giver.
3. I'm a deep thinker, a conscious individual.
4. I enjoy being active. I love new things.
5. I am completely honest, no matter what.
6. I absorb energies.
7. I like to create just about anything.
8. I'm poetic at heart, spiritual, & open minded.
9. I live understanding the message of the yin-yang.
10. I am limitless.

Goals

no more weed.
no more excessive drinking.
no more excessive eating.
no more "i'm fat".
no more neediness.
no more expectations.

more dancing.
more loving.
more energy towards good things.
more realization & reality.
more reading.
more learning.
more preparing for the future.
more positive outlook.
more abundance.

"Soldier's Girl"

Wow. I just watched on of the saddest gay movies I've seen. Based on a true story about a soldier, Barry Winchell, who fell for a trans-gender drag star. Barry, a quiet but kindhearted individual, was harassed by two of his "fellow" soldiers, his "brothers", up to a point where he was beat to death by one. I'm a sucker for romances, especially in a situation so diverse, so beautiful.. one unique love that could do nothing but thrive without the interference of homophobics & "army conduct". Love is such a beautiful, special feeling.. how would someone have the nerve to ruin that for someone, murder someone, because of physical aspects of one's natural, exterior body? It's insane..

This movie makes me really sad, but glad to see that such real life issues are exposed, showing how hideous & wrong the two soldiers harassing Barry were. I know, especially in this day & age, this same situation occurs on a regular basis. This movie hits me deep because it hits "home".. on a much less severe level, of course. To not be accepted by your own "family" for whatever you choose to do, or feel you are, not having that support.. I know that if I have kids one day, I won't attempt to shape them. I will try my best to understand them. I will teach them facts & things they need to know & be told, but I would NEVER try & change who they feel they are. "Everyone is entitled to a private life", as the soldiers in the movie say. However, I would kill for my parents to try to understand me, to jump out of their boxed shells of what they call a life they "built", to see who their daughter is deep inside. Uncovered. Exposed. Underneath it all. I would kill for them to be a part of my life, to be close to me, connected.. but that will never be until they accept that I am my own free spirit & what "I am" is out of their control.


I AM. & You ARE. No one can shape another individual. We just ARE. & NOTHING can change that.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barry_Winchell

Barry,
Rest knowing you're story is so moving that it has more than potential to open the eyes of those who can't accept another's way of life & the energy to inspire the rest of the world to live freely.
Rest in Peace.

night owl's rant

Last night was St. Patty's.. meaning today, I woke up at 2pm. Went to yoga at 4, felt so good. It's 5:00 am & I just got back from a boonie. I think everyone is most creative at night. I wish I woke up in the afternoon & stayed up 'til sunrise, crashed in the morning, EVERYDAY. But that sleeping pattern fucks with your "melatonin".. fucks with your body. Some bs.


I've decided to throw out the extra. Clean slate. Feels good.
I've decided to archive my life.
I've decided to do exactly what I want.

It's almost spring time. YES! & summer, I feel so warm & alive.
I'm thinking I should sleep.


Yea.. GN<3

Ellen Von Unwerth

My new idol: Ellen Von Unwerth, photographer and director, specializing in erotic femininity.









She's amazing.

fresh air & progress

Since Tuesday night, I've considered myself moved out. I'm back figuring out how to pack all my THINGS: clothes. shoes. jewelry. scarves. belts. socks. memories. photos. posters. pillows. All of it.. So far I've thrown out four garbage bags full of clothes and shoes and extra things I don't usually wear. Hopefully I can sell some I set aside.. 

It feels really good to get rid of a bunch of shit. 'Cause that's exactly what it is.. shit. Useless, a waste of space. Less weight to carry around. When I'm finished here, I'll be so relieved. I'll finally get a move on. 

I'm excited for the future. Whatever there is to come, I'm more than ready.

Tonight, I took a break from my room & smoked a bowl, played pool with Seanna & Hilary at fast Eddie's. It was fun. And I had the best drink.. Orange Creme Soda. mm.
horoscope for a new day: You may be pressured to take more responsibility for your home, family or business now, yet meeting these new obligations can be quite stressful. There isn't much latitude for failure; others need you to stand up to the plate and be the successful leader that helps everyone out of the mess they seem to have created. Although your window of opportunity starts to close down today, there is still sufficient time to shift into high gear.

tomorrow: more packing, & get ready for my first speech Monday.. damn.

confessions.

I am a lover. I am a voyeur. I am entranced by a woman's body. I am unsteady. I am too open, too honest for most ears. Simplicity feels good. True affection feels good. Wine feels good. Artists, musicians, & passionate people make me feel good. I can be obsessive, I can be hard to handle if you come too close. I don't forgive. I cherish reality too much. Trust is so delicate.. easy to break, impossible to mend. I enjoy writing, but never give myself the time. I'm always in a rush, going nowhere. I think I need to slow down.. 

I find beauty in things you wouldn't take the time to notice. 

I feel like I can do so much, but I don't know how to start.

& I need to get this all out.. before I explode.